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Member News - September 2003

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This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

In this issue:

  1. Ask Our Coaches
  2. Is Love The Answer?
  3. Self-work In Committed Relationships
  4. Wow = Words Of Wisdom
  5. The Only Communication Book You Need
  6. About Partners In Life

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Please submit your questions here and we will forward them to our coaches all over the world, and publish 3-5 answers per issue.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

Dear Coaches,
"I have been dating this woman for a little over a year and I am ready to make a commitment. We've been working with one of your relationship coaches and I think we were better off before the coaching than we are now. She has never been sure about whether she even wants to be in a committed relationship, but after doing the exercises in the Partners in Life workbook, she now says that I don't meet her requirements. And yet she doesn't seem ready to stop seeing me. She says she loves me and our sex is the best she's ever had, so I just don't get it. She doesn't like it when I get upset with her because I don't like the way she is treating me and I don't make any bones about it. I let her know that in no uncertain terms and that some changes need to be made here if this relationship is going to work. I keep trying to get our coach to give his opinion about whether our relationship has a chance, but all he does is throw it back at me. Says we are the only ones who can determine what challenges we are willing to work with. So I thought I'd see if I could get another one of you all to give me some answers. I think by now she should be ready to make a commitment. Neither of us are spring chickens. What do you think?"

Ready and wondering

MIKE ANSWERS:

Hi Wondering…
It sounds like the coaching process has been very successful,
even if disappointing to you. It accelerated the appearance of
issues, challenges, and concerns that would have surfaced
eventually. What coaches do is help you discover your own
answers for yourself, not give you the answers.

Your partner saying that you don't meet her requirements must
point to some serious concerns she has about your incompati-
bilities as a couple. She is obviously deriving some benefits
from your relationship, or else she'd leave. It may be that the
euphoria of sex and the fact that she loves you are inappropriately
over-powering the sober, unpleasant realities of significant
underlying problems. A successful relationship requires
dramatically more than love and sex. If the two of you do not
soon discover a way to successfully identify and work through
your serious challenges, you may, in fact, soon be solo chickens
again. Better that, though, than cooked geese. Go humble quick
and get to work. Sorry to be so tough.

Mike McCartney
Scottsdale, Arizona
mike@SinglesOfFaith.Com
http://www.SinglesOfFaith.Com

FRANCES ANSWERS:

Dear Ready and wondering,

I'm impressed with the work that you and your girlfriend have put
into your Partners in Life coaching. Not fulfilling your
girlfriend's requirements means there is no future for a successful
long-term relationship. That's the beauty of getting clear on
essential and non-negotiable needs and wants before making a
commitment.

Even though your girlfriend sounds quite happy to continue in the
relationship for the time being, its important for YOU to
consider if YOU are happy to continue in this fashion. This sounds
like a classic “Dating Trap" where you both get certain needs met
in the present, but there is no clarity about the sustainability of a
future together. I'm presuming from what you said that one of your
requirements is someone who wants a committed conscious
relationship and is willing to work on issues together. Does your
girlfriend fulfill YOUR requirements??

Seems like this is the time for you to stand strong for what you
want. Life is far too short and marvelous to waste in situations
where you don't share the same goals and values.

Warm regards,
Frances Amaroux
Turning Point Communications
frances@turning-point.com.au
Australia - 61 2 9810 1485

LINDA ANSWERS:

Dear Ready and Wondering,
Our Conscious Dating and Partners in Life Programs are meant
to be “pain prevention” programs. In Conscious Dating, we
encourage people to be clear about their dating goals with them-
selves and with potential partners. When you are ready for a
committed relationship, you make that known as soon as possible.
If you are ready and pursue a relationship with someone who is
not, it is a set up for disaster. Sounds like that may be your
situation.

We also recommend getting clear about your non-negotiable
requirements before getting into a potential long-term relation-
ship. Our Partners in Life Program then gives you the oppor-
tunity to check out your requirements with each other BEFORE
becoming sexually active and emotionally involved. Once you
have become sexually active and emotionally involved, it is very
difficult to balance your head with your heart. Sounds like you
didn't get to your Relationship Coach in time to prevent getting
your heart broken in a dating relationship. And you did make
it in time to prevent a painful divorce.

I hope you can see this as an opportunity to learn some
important lessons. Even those who aren't “spring chickens”
can learn new tricks. Take what you have learned with you
into a relationship that has a better chance of working for you.

All my best,

Linda A. Marshall
Director of Couples Programs; Relationship Coaching Institute
Advanced Imago Relationship Coach
(937)684-2245
Linda@GreatRelationships.org
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

IS LOVE THE ANSWER?

By Linda A. Marshall, Director of Couples Programs

LOVE IS THE ANSWER:
When we fall in love, the world looks brighter, life is rosier, we glow and are better than we've ever been before. At least that is the way it looks when that hormonal “love cocktail” is coursing through our bodies. We think we've found the perfect person, the answer to all our problems, and life will be wonderful from here on out. This is the stuff of “happily ever after” fairy tales.

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH:
I once heard someone say that getting into a committed relationship is like putting Miracle Grow on our character defects. That is probably why we often hear that “Love is not enough.” That is probably why there is such a high divorce and separation rate. Reality sets in after the glow of “romantic love” begins to fade.

LOVE IS LETTING GO OF FEAR:
Too bad that many people bolt with this fading. Because the best is yet to come. A recent poll of “conscious singles” who took the time to get clear about their relationship requirements before becoming a “consciously committed couple” revealed the number one requirement they all had in common. They wanted someone who would accept them as they were and not try to change them. They knew they had idiosyncrasies and traits that might prove challenging for someone to live with. They also knew that anyone they coupled with would have challenging characteristics as well. And they were clear about the challenges they were willing to work with.

What was interesting, is that each of these “consciously committed couples” then talked about the changes they made to insure that they would have a successful long-term partnership. Being accepted for who they were led to their willingness to make some changes to be sensitive to their partner's needs and to accommodate their partner's dreams and goals.

What was clear is that these former singles had chosen carefully, highly valued the choice they had made, and were very fulfilled in their “consciously committed coupleship.” They didn't allow their fears, defenses, and character defects to grow unchecked. They took responsibility for handling their fears so that they would always be present and emotionally available to their partner. It was their commitment to the relationship and to the work of creating a successful partnership that made all this possible. And they were experiencing a kind of love for each other that, while not as euphoric as “romantic love,” was much deeper, richer, and more satisfying. None of this would have been possible without both of them being fully committed. It is the commitment we make that creates the safety for each of them to become more together than they were able to be alone. They were in a flow of loving energy that sustained them and the partnership they valued so much. This is mature love. This is worth the wait and the work.

SELF-WORK IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS

From our Partners in Life e-Program

A fulfilling relationship is mostly self-work. Happiness and fulfillment are by-products of “showing up” and choosing to learn and grow from the challenges and opportunities that a relationship creates for you on a daily basis to:

WOW = WORDS OF WISDOM

”Love is the willingness to extend yourself for the purpose of nurturing your own and another's spiritual growth.”
M. Scott Peck
Author of “The Road Less Traveled”
"The purpose of a committed relationship is to become conscious....not to be made happy."
A thought of Eckhart Tolle's
in his book, “The Power of Now”

THE ONLY COMMUNICATION BOOK YOU NEED

"Straight From the Heart! An Essential Guide for Developing, Deepening & Renewing Your Relationships" by Paul and Layne Cutright is truly a foundational approach to communication.

With this short and simple guidebook you can create the magnificent relationships you truly desire. 'Straight From the Heart' provides step-by-step guidance and practical exercises you can do with your romantic partner, business colleagues, family members and friends.

The e-book version includes FREE "How To Have Heart To Heart Talks" audio program- highly recommended!

Only $19.95 AND includes a 100% money-back guarantee. Purchase: http://QuickPayPro.com/x/qpp.cgi?adminid=1970&id=32740&pid=4892

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Visit our web site at http://www.partnersinlife.org for past issues of this newsletter, as well as useful articles for couples including:

~'Partners For Life'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/pforlife.htm

~'Solvable Vs. Unsolvable Problems'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/solvable-prob-c.htm

~'Top 5 Communication Tips For Couples'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/commtips.htm

~And more!

IMPORTANT PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG INFORMATION

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship
Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization
dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that
you love'; to helping new couples ‘make a wise choice in a life partner’;
and to helping any couple ‘fine tune and keep their relationship
healthy and fulfilling.’ For more information about us, please visit our
web site at http://wwww.partnersinlife.org

===============

Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at:
http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach/indexc.htm

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Invest in your future with our 5-week PARTNERS IN LIFE:
A Relationship Success Program for pre-committed couples.
This program is affordable, fun, positive, enlightening, and
the best relationship insurance you can get!

FOR INFORMATION visit http://www.partnersinlife.org.

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.partnersInlife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.

You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.

===============

Want support to have a great relationship? Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at: http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach

===============

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with couples
and singles? If you want to know more about adding Relationship
Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

===============

Please share this newsletter with your single and couple friends,
family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

===============

Questions or comments about this newsletter?
Contact Linda Marshall, Editor
Director of Couples Programs, Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter, send a blank e-mail to:
LPQ-7513@autocontactor.com or visit http://lifepartnerquest.com/subscribe.htm

Copyright notice: This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved.
Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship
is included.

The Relationship Coaching Institute is a worldwide relationship
Coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love' and helping couples
co-create fulfilling life partnerships. For more information about
us, please visit our web site at
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org