Member News

Member News - October 2003

This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the 'Love of Your Life'
You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
You have a good relationship and want to make it great!

In this issue:

Ask Our Coaches
Challenges In Interfaith Marriages
Growing Dynamics In Spiritual Partnerships Vs. Patterns In Survival-oriented Relationships
Wow = Words Of Wisdom
How To Eliminate The #1 Destroyer Of Relationships
About Partners In Life

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Please submit your questions here and we will forward them to our coaches all over the world, and publish 3-5 answers per issue.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"I met this most wonderful man at a business seminar. We have been seeing each other for three months and really enjoy each other's company. He, too, thought that he would never find someone with whom he would want to spend the rest of his life. He says I am the first woman he has met that he is giving serious consideration to marrying.

I have been paying attention to see if he meets my requirement and he meets all of them except one. I am Christian and he is Jewish. I always thought I would marry within my faith and my husband, children, and I would all go to church together.

Now I am not even sure I want to have children at this late date. He's not so sure he does either. Both of us have rather demanding and fulfilling careers, so it is not so important to us now. And, we think more closely alike about spiritual matters than I experience with many Christians. He has what I would consider a very Christ-like spirit. In fact, it is one of the things that really draws me to him.

We have not involved our families yet, but I think my family would be OK with it if I married him. They'd probably just be happy that I finally found someone. I'm not sure how his family would feel about me.

We haven't really talked about how all this would work. We are just beginning to talk about the possibility of marriage. You say requirements should be met 100%. Is this a hard and fast rule and if so, why would you think it isn't a good idea for me to marry him? What challenges do you think we would have?"

--Trying To Remain Conscious

THE COACHES RESPOND:

JOE ANSWERS:

Dear Conscious,
You should revisit your requirement regarding religion. I hear some wavering on this requirement and, perhaps, it may be more of a want or a need.

Sit down with your potential mate and discuss what is important about your religions and how each of you will honor the other's beliefs. If you both agree on this topic, this relationship sounds like a go for the next step.

Also, if you choose to have children, I recommend you expose them to all religious beliefs and let them choose the beliefs with which they most resonate. “Forcing” religion on children creates some of the biggest power struggles in the family. It would be better to inspire children towards religion rather than force them.

As far as talking with your families, let them know how much each of you honors their (the family's) religious beliefs and how you will honor those beliefs in your family .

Joe Brattain
Brattain Coaching International
Joe@BrattainCoaching.com
512-837-8261

KENNETH ANSWERS:

Dear Trying to Remain Conscious,
I see two issues raised in your question. First, is whether one must hold fast to one's requirements. Second, what is the essence of your and your potential partner's faith traditions.

As to the first question, one must hold fast to one's requirements, but only if they are truly requirements! Sometimes what we think is a Requirement is really a Need if we examine more closely. As you describe this man who has captured your heart, it sounds like your real requirement is spirituality and a sincere relationship with God, as opposed to religiosity or a particular faith tradition. Therein lies the answer to the second question.

Religion can provide us a marvelous resource for asking the hard questions about life and its mysteries. In the end, devout Jews and devout Christians are doing the same thing--seeking to live their lives in response to the grace of a loving God.

Many of our Christian traditions have their roots in Jewish ones. One could allow the role of Jesus to get in the way, but why? Whether one views him as a wise prophet, as Jews are likely to do, or as the Son of God, the essence of his message of loving one another is the same.

I am told that the Jewish Talmud teaches that in the space between husband and wife God dwells. If this man meets your other requirements, and you both are willing to honor and respect the faith of the other, you will have a wonderful relationship.

When my wife met me I was a divorced Protestant and she a Catholic--a former nun. But she saw in me a common spirituality. She reconsidered her requirement that her partner be Catholic. Ultimately I converted, but because I wanted to, not because she urged it.

I invite you to go to services with this man, learn about his faith as much as you can, and invite him to learn about yours. If you respect that each of you are on the same journey of life, seeking to respond to the goodness of the same God, and that you merely have somewhat different symbolic and ritualistic ways of doing that, your life will be rich and full.

Kenneth A. Sprang
Bethesda-Chevy Chase Counseling & Consulting
SinglesToSoulmates
Phone: (301) 907-3377, ext. 93
ken@singlestosoulmates.com
www.singlestosoulmates.com

REBECCA ANSWERS:

Dear Trying to Remain Conscious,
Requirements should be met 100%. However, in this case, it would probably be a good idea to take a good, hard look at the spirit behind the requirement. Perhaps having a like-minded partner in spirit is what you're looking for. If your requirement is actually that it is your partner's spirit that matters, then the requirement needs to be modified.

Here are some questions you need to ask yourself:

What would it be like for you if your partner woke up one morning and decided he had to start keeping kosher? Would you be prepared for that? Would he?
Would you miss not being able to share your faith traditions or spiritual practices with him? How would that work in the context of your relationship?
Are you modifying your requirement to fit the man and to find relief at having found someone you are so compatible with? If another man came to you who seemed as perfect for you as this man is and he was Christian, who would you choose?

We sometimes choose requirements without understanding the shades of gray that come with them. Be brutally honest with yourself, and have the courage and faith to follow through on what your heart and your spirit tell you. And know that whatever your decision is, it will be right for you.

Rebecca Soulette
Reb@RebeccaSoulette.com
www.FindTheRightGuyOnline.com
212-517-4996

CHALLENGES IN INTERFAITH MARRIAGES

By Rebecca Soulette

THE CHILDREN CHALLENGE:
In the Jewish faith, the mother must be Jewish for the children to be Jewish. And so, “Trying to Remain Conscious” would need to convert to Judaism. Choosing what tradition in which to rear your children would need to be decided before you married. Even if one of you changed your mind about it after the children were born, this decision would need to be honored. If you are not planning to have children, you need to be making some decisions in the event of an accidental pregnancy.
THE HOLIDAY CHALLENGE:
Christian and Jewish holidays usually don't fall on the same day. You would need to decide the importance of supporting each other in practicing your respective faiths. Would attending these events together be important? How will you include your respective families in celebrating these holidays? How will you handle pressures from your families to abide by their preferences? Even in marriages where both are of the same religion and are engaging in the same celebrations, working things out with families can be a challenge.
THE MAJOR LIFE-CHANGING EVENTS CHALLENGE:
The essence of life is change. I, too, have a requirement that my partner be Christian. I once met a potential life partner who was Mormon. And so I questioned him about how seriously he practiced his faith. Initially he responded that he didn't take it very seriously. So I painted a scenario for him. "Your family has just been in an accident, and they've all passed away. What religion are you now? And how seriously are you taking it?" "Mormon," he replied, "and I'm taking it very seriously."

The times when we depend on our religion the most are the times when we need the comfort and assurance of whatever faith we know intimately. Those times can spur a resurgence of our faith and a new commitment to taking every aspect more deeply into our lives. It is important to consider how you might deal with a major life-changing event.

Growing Dynamics In Spiritual Partnerships
Vs. Patterns In Survival-oriented Relationships

from “Seat of the Soul” by Gary Zukov

Equality of partners/associates for the purpose of spiritua growth -vs- surviving physically by learning through fear and doubt.
Gifting the world with your own increase of compassion and love…the diminishment of your own fear and doubt—or whatever changes you wish to see in the world -vs- focusing on seeing these changes happening in others in the world.
Valuing your partner's/associate's contribution to your development…trusting their perceptions and observations as being central to your own growth -vs- defending your ego's position and having to be right.
Sharing of concerns with consideration and the intention to heal and trust the process, approaching your needs with courage -vs- keeping secrets and hiding “your truth” out of fear.
Walking in the moccasins of the other…walking into their fears and returning to your own “truth” again -vs- withdrawing in fear or insisting on the rightness of your “truth.”
Choosing to grow spiritually through making responsible choices -vs- insisting on the dictates of your fearful ego.
Commitment to the growth of strength & clarity of your partner/associates who are in their true essence beautiful & powerful spirits of Light -vs- commitment to the wants of your ego— realizing that this is the way you will grow spiritually yourself.

WOW = WORDS OF WISDOM

”The crossing of the threshold is the first step into the sacred zone of the Universal Source.”: Joseph Campbell
“I realized a long time ago that a belief which does not spring from conviction in the emotions is no belief at all.”: Evelyn Scott
“The choice in a spiritual partnership with another person or group is between learning through fear and doubt or through wisdom.”: Gary Zukov”

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FOR MORE INFORMATION

Visit our web site at http://www.partnersinlife.org for past issues of this newsletter, as well as useful articles for couples including:

~'Partners For Life'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/pforlife.htm

~'Solvable Vs. Unsolvable Problems'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/solvable-prob-c.htm

~'Top 5 Communication Tips For Couples'
http://partnersinlife.org/couple/commtips.htm

~And more!

IMPORTANT PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG INFORMATION

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship
Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization
dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that
you love'; to helping new couples ‘make a wise choice in a life partner’;
and to helping any couple ‘fine tune and keep their relationship
healthy and fulfilling.’ For more information about us, please visit our
web site at http://wwww.partnersinlife.org

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Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at:
http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach/indexc.htm

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Invest in your future with our 5-week PARTNERS IN LIFE:
A Relationship Success Program for pre-committed couples.
This program is affordable, fun, positive, enlightening, and
the best relationship insurance you can get!

FOR INFORMATION visit http://www.partnersinlife.org.

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.partnersInlife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.

You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.

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Want support to have a great relationship? Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at: http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach

===============

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with couples
and singles? If you want to know more about adding Relationship
Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

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Please share this newsletter with your single and couple friends,
family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

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Questions or comments about this newsletter?
Contact Linda Marshall, Editor
Director of Couples Programs, Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter, send a blank e-mail to:
LPQ-7513@autocontactor.com or visit http://lifepartnerquest.com/subscribe.htm

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The Relationship Coaching Institute is a worldwide relationship
Coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love' and helping couples
co-create fulfilling life partnerships. For more information about
us, please visit our web site at
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org