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Member News - February 2004

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This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

In this issue:

  1. Ask Our Coaches
  2. The Rule Of Three In Relationships: Stop, Look, & Listen
  3. Hot Monogamy
  4. Wow = Words Of Wisdom
  5. Free Audio Program- The Miracle Of Connection
  6. About Partners In Life

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Please submit your questions here and we will forward them to our coaches all over the world, and publish 3-5 answers per issue.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

"I am living with a woman who I am very much in love with and she with me. When we met she was involved in the beginning stages of the "swinging scene", basically with "friends", one of which she talks about at times. When we talked this over, she said that she isn't talking to this man nor is she interested in swinging. She says she wants me and a good family life with our 4 children -- 2 are hers and 2 are mine.

But I still feel jealous/insecure when she wants her own space, brings up his name, or sometimes when she leaves the house. When we have sex, it is great. But deep inside me I don't trust her 100% and then I "shut down" and don't want to talk. Then I blow up and a heated argument ensues.

Is there anyway I can change my thought process so that I stop thinking, that she is thinking about her past romance with this guy. I guess ever since he talked to her on the computer and asked her to sneak out because he wanted to have sex with her, my thoughts have been less than pleasurable. She went along with everything he was saying, then told me that she wanted to hurt him for asking her to sneak out.

I want this relationship to last."

~Scott

THE COACHES RESPOND:

MARI ANSWERS:

Dear Scott,
It is great that both you and your partner know you want this relationship to last and to have a good family life. However, it seems there could be some fundamental needs that are not being met -- possibly on both sides.

Have you talked with your partner about what her swinging experiences gave her? Perhaps it was adventure, excitement, spontaneity, variety, or full self-expression? How about exploring ways the two of you could co-create experiences that would fulfill your needs for safety, security and monogamy AND fulfill her needs at the same time.

You say you have talked this over -- but, unfortunately, you are coming from a place of jealousy, insecurity, mistrust and being shut down. That is not exactly a safe space for her to share her heart with you. I strongly encourage you to let go of your fear of the future and stay totally present to what is happening now; honor your woman and her needs more; and do what you can to increase your confidence that you are a good, strong and desirable partner.

There is a saying: "Where attention goes, energy flows and results show" - so stop focusing on the negatives of what you don't want and instead focus on the positives of what you DO want - such as intimacy, trust, closeness, and a lasting loving partnership.

I wish you much luck on your relationship journey.

Mari Smith ~ Relationship Coach, Speaker & Trainer
MillionDollarRelationships.com
858-539-3922
Mari@MillionDollarRelationships.com

KAREN ANSWERS:

Dear Scott,
Your question addresses so much that is challenging about being in a committed relationship with someone who is attractive to the opposite sex.

There's no getting away from that fact that our partners have histories that don't include us. It's true that people occasionally fail to keep even the most heartfelt promises to be faithful. It's true that there is always the possibility that either partner could falter.

So how do you keep this from driving you crazy? Notice that the question I asked was not "how do you keep her from cheating?"

As much as we'd like to, we can never choose for another person. You can, however, choose who you are going to be in the face of that uncertainty. You can choose to trust. You can choose to honor her promises rather than honoring your own jealousy and insecurity.

Which of those choices is going to give you the relationship with her that you both want? It's a risk, yes. There may be a time you could be hurt. But that's true of every relationship at every moment. It won't be easy. You may have to choose to trust every five minutes. But the question is not so much "will she cheat?" as it is "what kind of relationship do I want to have right now"? Choose that.

Karen Schmedeke
www.coachkaren.biz
www.happy-together.net
Karen@coachkaren.biz

ANNIE ANSWERS:

Dear Scott:
It sounds like some unconscious unfinished business is being acted out in your present relationship. At the Relationship Coaching Institute, we advocate for "conscious relating." If you are both willing to do the work, here are some things that it would be important for you and your fiancé to address:

Recommended reading: "Who's to Blame: Escape the Victim Trap & Gain Personal Power in Your Relationships" by Carmen Berry and Mark Baker.

Annie Vance PhD, MFT
Aloha Concepts
Simi Valley, CA
805 573 1950

The Rule of Three in Relationships: STOP, LOOK, & LISTEN

by JoAnn Marini

Before any of us tie the knot, it is important to STOP, LOOK,& LISTEN ~~ listen to ourselves and question the relationship we have. Always STOP to pay attention to our inner self; take responsibility by LOOKING within; LISTEN to every thought, feeling and intuitive instinct that presents itself in our body, mind and spirit.

STOP means to pay close attention to our thought processes. These are our inner red lights warning us that something is unacceptable to us. Instead of turning off our thoughts, it is important to turn them on. Get in touch with our feelings to become conscious of what troubles us! How would our requirements show up in our ideal relationship?

LOOK at what kind of foundation our ideal relationship needs or our own and our family’s happiness. How can a shaky foundation allow us to love deeply? What need do we have to be with someone who violates agreements? Look at any hidden issues of instability in prior relationships to understand what attracts us to our current relationship.

LOOK at the relationship to see whether we have a head attachment or if we are allowing our heart to run the show. Romantic love and sex feels so good that it is often mistaken for love. Be in a place to choose from our love center. That includes rational thinking about what each of us brings to the relationship.

LOOK at how we want our family life to be. Do we want physical and emotional stability in our home? Are we experiencing that in our current relationship or are we thrown off balance by deceptive behavior? Deception sets the stage for jealousy, anxiety, rage, and deep hurt.

LISTEN to what we want in a relationship. Can we achieve a foundation of trust, commitment and fidelity in our current relationship?

LISTEN to where we want to be in three years, in five years and beyond. Where do we want our children to be and whom do we want our children to model? Dream of what our love could be and write down everything wanted in a relationship.

LISTEN to our heads as well as our hearts. Is our heart heavy with anxiety or are we experiencing emotional safety? Are we relaxed, having fun, and able to be playfully loving with our chosen partner? If our requirements for a caring and mutually exclusive relationship aren’t being met, then perhaps outside support is an answer to support us in seeking the relationship of our dreams. We deserve to experience joy when we think about our partner. We deserve that sense of bliss when listening to our inner voice.

JoAnn Marini ©
joann@morethanamour.com
www.morethanamour.com
(619) 295-3609

"Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate, Lovemaking"

by Dr. Patricia Love & Jo Robinson

This book is recommended reading for all couples and may particularly speak to Scott’s desire for monogamy and his fiancé’s interest in the swinging scene. Chapter headings are:

  1. The Longing for Hot Monogamy
  2. Mapping Your Sexual Relationship
  3. Why Don’t We Talk About Sex?
  4. When I’m Hot & You’re Not: Resolving Differences in Desire
  5. Intimacy: What Is It? How Do You Get It? What Does It Have to Do with Sex?
  6. Sexual Technique: Learning to Ask for What You Want
  7. Variety: How to Have More Fun in Bed
  8. Creating Lifelong Romance
  9. Sex and Body Image
  10. Becoming a More Sensuous Lover
  11. The Formula for Lasting Passion

Check out "Hot Monogamy" at Amazon.com

WOW = WORDS OF WISDOM

"More than any other factor, your ability to talk freely and honestly about sex is the key to a passionate sex life."
~Dr. Patricia Love
"…when couples make a concerted effort to understand each other’s point of view, they often experience a dramatic turnaround."
~Dr. Patricia Love
Intimacy = in to me see
~Anonymous

FREE AUDIO PROGRAM- THE MIRACLE OF CONNECTION

This 22 minute presention by Hedy Schleifer, who, along with her husband Yumi conduct 3-Day "Adventures in Intimacy" workshops for couples, presents a profound perspective on relationships that opens up new possibilities for couples, families, and all other kinds of relationships.

To listen visit http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/hedyyumi.html

Hedy and Yumi will be conducting their next "Adventures in Intimacy" workshop for couples in the San Francisco Bay Area March 19-22.

Sponsored by Relationship Coaching Institute, we were able to negotiate a great price for the workshop and lodging at the beautiful Scotts Valley Hilton, just 20 minutes from San Jose International Airport, 5 minutes to the beaches of Santa Cruz, one hour from Monterey/Carmel and San Francisco.

Please talk to your partner and find a way to join us!

For more information visit http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/hedyyumi.html

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Visit our web site at http://www.partnersinlife.org/members/newsletter/ for past issues of this newsletter, as well as useful articles for couples including:

IMPORTANT PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG INFORMATION

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship
Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization
dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that
you love'; to helping new couples ‘make a wise choice in a life partner’;
and to helping any couple ‘fine tune and keep their relationship
healthy and fulfilling.’ For more information about us, please visit our
web site at http://wwww.partnersinlife.org

===============

Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at:
http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach/indexc.htm

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Invest in your future with our 5-week PARTNERS IN LIFE:
A Relationship Success Program for pre-committed couples.
This program is affordable, fun, positive, enlightening, and
the best relationship insurance you can get!

FOR INFORMATION visit http://www.partnersinlife.org.

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.partnersInlife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.

You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.

===============

Want support to have a great relationship? Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at: http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach

===============

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with couples
and singles? If you want to know more about adding Relationship
Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

===============

Please share this newsletter with your single and couple friends,
family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

===============

Questions or comments about this newsletter?
Contact Linda Marshall, Editor
Director of Couples Programs, Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter, send a blank e-mail to:
LPQ-7513@autocontactor.com or visit http://lifepartnerquest.com/subscribe.htm

Copyright notice: This newsletter is copyrighted and all rights are reserved.
Feel free to share with others as long as our contact information and authorship
is included.

The Relationship Coaching Institute is a worldwide relationship
Coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love' and helping couples
co-create fulfilling life partnerships. For more information about
us, please visit our web site at
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org