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Member News - March 2004

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This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

In this issue:

  1. Ask Our Coaches
  2. Moving Toward Love
  3. Success Strategy To Move Toward Love
  4. Wow = Words Of Wisdom
  5. How To Eliminate The #1 Destroyer Of Relationships
  6. About Partners In Life

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Please submit your questions here and we will forward them to our coaches all over the world, and publish 3-5 answers per issue.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

Dear Coaches,

I met a man on the internet. We corresponded for about a month and then decided to talk on the phone. I really liked talking with him. We talked for hours and had lots in common and some of the same dreams for our lives. We found out that we both wanted the same things in a relationship.

We live about 150 miles apart, but we decided that it was time to meet. Then he told me that he has a bad case of psoriasis and he hoped that wouldn't bother me. I didn't think that it would because we had made such a strong connection.

When I met him, I liked him as much in person as on the phone. We spent a weekend getting to know each other in person. He seems to be everything I want in a man. And I must admit I am a bit squeamish and not sure how I will feel being sexual with him. We aren't at that point yet, and I think we are getting closer and I just don't know how I will react. Holding hands has been OK and hugging and kissing even though he has it on his head, it isn't on his mouth. I don't know who to talk with about this. I'm kind of embarrassed at my reaction. I haven't let him know that it bothers me. Can you help me?

~Squeamish

THE COACHES RESPOND:

KEN ANSWERS:
Dear Squeamish,

Your concerns are really understandable. Here you have, perhaps, met the man of your dreams, and he has this physical condition which is rather unpleasant to deal with aesthetically and otherwise. The problem you face, of course, is similar to that which many persons face when they fall in love or are on the verge of falling in love with someone who has physical characteristics that are perhaps unpleasant.

It is important to realize that he doubtless has concerns about how you will react as well. He has an illness with a side effect of being unpleasant to look at or deal with. I suspect he is as concerned about your reaction or potential reaction as you are.

It says much about your prospective partner and his integrity that he informed you of his condition before you met. And your own response—that so far it is okay—is encouraging as well. Since you are geographically apart, you have some time. I urge you first to use the time to gather information. The National Psoriasis Foundation (www.psoriasis.org) is a great source and a Google search on psoriasis will yield much more information. Learn about the disease and the latest treatments available. It is important for you to know as much as possible about the illness, so that your decisions are informed.

Second, sit down with your prospective partner, in person, and tell him all the things you find wonderful about him. However, also tell him that you are concerned about your “squeamishness” with regard to his psoriasis. Be honest about your feelings and acknowledge that the squeamishness is your issue not his. And ask him to help you overcome any squeamishness you may have. Also, invite him to share with you how he feels about it all.

Finally, chances are good that over time you will cease to see the psoriasis. Thousands of people fall in love and soon their partners' disabilities and physical “imperfections” become invisible, for beauty “is in the eye of the beholder.” It is not that love is blind, notwithstanding the old saying, but rather that love allows us to look beyond the surface and see what lies beneath. The stronger your bond grows, assuming that this man is all you believe him to be, the easier you may find dealing with his illness.

Kenneth A. Sprang, MA, JD
Bethesda, MD 20814
(301) 907-3377, ext. 93
ken@bcccounseling.com
www.bcccounseling.com

 

LINDA ANSWERS:
Dear Squeamish,

My father has psoriasis and gave me a copy of a magazine apparently published by dermatologists entitled Psoriasis Connections. In their 2003 Fall/Winter issue, they have an article on dating. And in their next issue, they are to have an article on Long-term Partners. This is part of a series on Psoriasis And Intimacy. Their webpage is www.psoriasisconnect.com, so you may want to check out this resource as well.

Your question immediately brought to my mind something I read in Dave Ellis's book, “Falling Awake.” Being a bit squeamish myself, I was intrigued. In the chapter entitled “Move Toward Love,” he spoke about a practice he developed for himself to move in the direction of love in his life. He would seek out things that he routinely avoided. At one point he asked himself, “What is the most repulsive sight I can imagine?” For him it was maggots. So he figured that if he could love the sight of maggots, then he could love just about anything. So sometimes when he was driving around and spotted road kill, he would park his car, flip the road kill over, and say, “Aha! Maggots. Opportunity to practice!” He says that after doing that he found it a lot easier to love the people and events in his life that were far less disgusting than maggots. He identifies “Move toward Love” as probably the most powerful, unusual, and indefensible Success Strategy in his book. Practicing moving toward love enables us to face our own imperfections and those of others.

I haven't tried this practice as yet, and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I hope it offers you some food for thought and help you embrace this wonderful man you have met who has an Illness that unfortunately is a bit disgusting to deal with.

My best to you.

Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
Director of Couples Programs
Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
www.partnersinlife.org/coach/LindaMarshall.htm
937-684-2245

MOVING TOWARD LOVE

Excepts from “Falling Awake” by Dave Ellis

Ellis' main point is that our attitude is our ticket to paradise. Our attitude is our way of thinking…our style of seeing the world. It is the attitude of “loving it all” and permitting things to be the way they are—right now, in all their glorious imperfection and messiness that will give us access to paradise.

He cites some notable advocates…Jesus' suggestion that we love our enemies as ourselves and Ghandi's hope that the British leave India not as enemies but as friends. Freely admitting our weaknesses as well as our strengths allows us to permit and even embrace our problems as chances to create new solutions and gain new skills.

He is clear that moving toward love doesn't mean letting others take advantage of us, or that we meekly put up with aggression. It is about letting go of our internal resistance to problems. The Love he is talking about means fully acknowledging and fully accepting the problem as it is right now. With that internal attitude, we can then take whatever actions are necessary to change external circumstances. When we face that life isn't perfect and accept all the thoughts and feelings associated with that fact, the solutions and actions we take will not be tainted with hatred…and perhaps disgust and revulsion as well. We can begin to embrace an attitude of “It's all OK!” It is at least worth an experiment.

SUCCESS STRATEGY TO “MOVE TOWARD LOVE”

Check out www.fallingawake.com for Success Strategy #3

These are the practices that Dave Ellis suggests to “move toward love”

  1. Experiment with “It's all OK!”
  2. Practice loving yourself
  3. Embrace problems and dance with them
  4. Five reasons to celebrate mistakes
  5. Move from conflict to love
  6. Choose the freedom of forgiveness
  7. Give compliments

WOW = WORDS OF WISDOM

“When we are willing to love our problems, we drain them of much of their energy.”

“When we accept, allow, and permit discomfort at any level, we pave the way for its release. That's the power of moving toward love.”

“We can know that we're embracing a problem when we experience it and still feel reasonably comfortable. It's unrealistic to expect that we'll feel comfortable with every problem we face. We can have happy, satisfying lives and still experience occasional fear, anger, upset, and frustration. The key is to not let our reactions reduce us to inaction or render us ineffective.”

~The wisdom of Dave Ellis
   author of “Falling Awake”

HOW TO ELIMINATE THE #1 DESTROYER OF RELATIONSHIPS

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FOR MORE INFORMATION

Visit our web site at http://www.partnersinlife.org/members/newsletter/ for past issues of this newsletter, as well as useful articles for couples including:

IMPORTANT PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG INFORMATION

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship
Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization
dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that
you love'; to helping new couples ‘make a wise choice in a life partner’;
and to helping any couple ‘fine tune and keep their relationship
healthy and fulfilling.’ For more information about us, please visit our
web site at http://wwww.partnersinlife.org

===============

Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at:
http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach/indexc.htm

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Invest in your future with our 5-week PARTNERS IN LIFE:
A Relationship Success Program for pre-committed couples.
This program is affordable, fun, positive, enlightening, and
the best relationship insurance you can get!

FOR INFORMATION visit http://www.partnersinlife.org.

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.partnersInlife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.

You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.

===============

Want support to have a great relationship? Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at: http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach

===============

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with couples
and singles? If you want to know more about adding Relationship
Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

===============

Please share this newsletter with your single and couple friends,
family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

===============

Questions or comments about this newsletter?
Contact Linda Marshall, Editor
Director of Couples Programs, Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter, send a blank e-mail to:
LPQ-7513@autocontactor.com or visit http://lifepartnerquest.com/subscribe.htm

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The Relationship Coaching Institute is a worldwide relationship
Coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love' and helping couples
co-create fulfilling life partnerships. For more information about
us, please visit our web site at
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org