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Member News - April 2004

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This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

In this issue:

  1. Ask Our Coaches
  2. Anger: Resource Or Relationship Killer?
  3. The Intentional Dialogue At A Glance
  4. Wow = Words Of Wisdom
  5. How To Eliminate The #1 Destroyer Of Relationships
  6. About Partners In Life

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Please submit your questions here and we will forward them to our coaches all over the world, and publish 3-5 answers per issue.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

Dear Coaches,

“My wife and I have been married for 8 months. We dated for about a year before we got married. She was married before and it was a very unhappy marriage and only lasted about 2 months. Then she moved back home with her parents.

While we dated, she complained a lot about her failed marriage and having to live at home again. I felt sorry for her and thought that once she had her own home, she would be happy again. Boy was I wrong. She is still complaining, and sometimes explodes when things don't go the way she wants them to. The first time that happened, I was shocked. I tried to calm her down, but it only seemed to make her more angry. So, now I'm walking around on eggshells at home. Sometimes I dread even coming home. I'm beginning to understand why her first marriage didn't work out.

I really don't believe in divorce. When I got married, it was for better or for worse. I need some help to know how to deal with her anger. I finally worked up the courage to talk with her about it one day when things were going pretty well, and she just blew me off and said that I'm "emotionally constipated" and there is nothing wrong with the way she expresses herself. Where do I go from here? Is this something I just need to get used to?”

~~Tired of walking on eggshells

THE COACHES RESPOND:

MIKE ANSWERS:
Dear Tired ...

We humans are all complex mosaics of how we choose to interact with our past. Your bride is still carrying her past into her present, so the present is, for her, the past. It appears that professional assistance is needed to move her past back into the past and in dealing with your lives the way they are today. Coaching is likely to be insufficient. There are therapeutic issues that seem to run very deep here, and will need strong assistance and guidance.

I'd suggest your working with a coach to modify your decisionmaking process as well.

Mike McCartney
Scottsdale, Arizona
www.SinglesOfFaith.Com

MARI ANSWERS:
Dear “Tired of walking on eggshells”

Your relationship sounds unhealthy and toxic for both you and your wife. I urge you to seek professional support.

There is NOTHING outside of ourselves that can make us happy.

The only thing that can make your wife happy is herself, REGARDLESS of what you do/don’t do, say/don’t say, etc.

You certainly do not have to get used to a life like this. You deserve better. There are some things you can start doing right away, whether your wife is open to getting help or not. The techniques of non-violent communication (NVC) would support you in giving empathy to your wife’s feelings and needs without selling out on yours. NVC has the power to literally transform relationships.

Underneath anger is usually hurt – and your wife needs to have her hurt really heard and gotten.

I wish you courage, strength, peace and – most of all – happiness.

Mari Smith ~ Relationship Coach, Speaker & Trainer
Tel: 858-488-8242
Mari@MillionDollarRelationships.com
http://www.MillionDollarRelationships.com
"Helping you create Extraordinary Relationships and Extraordinary Wealth!"

KEN ANSWERS:
Dear Tired,

Marriage does not change people. If they were angry, sad, or distressed before, they will be the same after. There are several possible explanations for your wife's behavior. The first thing I invite you to accept, though, is that her moods and anger are not about you. They come from some deeper source within her unrelated to you.

You can be assertive in expressing your feelings. Use "I" messages to tell her how you feel without criticizing her. Rather than trying to calm her, Invite her softly and gently to share what is going on for her. Use reflective listening by simply mirroring back what you hear her saying, repeating her words as closely to the way she said them as possible. Then ask her, “Did I get you?” When she says that you have gotten her, invite her to tell you more.

While you are listening, try to see it from her perspective, as though you are walking in her moccasins. You don’t have to agree. You are just trying to understand what is going on for her. When she says that that she has said all she has to say, tell her your understanding of how what she has said makes sense given the way she sees things.

Then tell her how you imagine she must be feeling. It is possible that when she feels understood and her feelings have been empathized with, her anger will diminish.

This is a very powerful communication skill, and not easy to do without assistance. An Imago coach or therapist has been trained to assist couples with this skill. Assuming that there is no substance abuse, mental illness, or anything of that sort, with work on both your parts, your relationship can enrich and improve.

Write back and let us know how it goes.

Ken Sprang, MA JD
(301) 907-3377
ken@bcccounseling.com
www.bcccounseling.com
www.singlestosoulmates.com

ANGER: RESOURCE OR RELATIONSHIP KILLER?

by Ken Sprang, MA JD
RCI Coach

One of the most troublesome of human emotions is anger. Some of us wear our anger like nitroglycerin—it can explode at any moment with only the slightest stimulus. Others of us bury our anger deep within and never let it show. Sometimes we turn it so far inward that we become depressed.

How should we handle anger, particularly with intimate partners?

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. It is neither good nor bad. It just is. If a couple says they have never had a fight, I wonder whether one of them is comatose. Healthy people disagree. The challenge with anger is expressing it in an appropriate way so that our anger does not have a damaging effect on us or those who are the object of our anger.

Anger usually arises from some circumstance in which we are emotionally wounded or compromised. The nature, intensity, and object of our anger are usually tied to our childhood experiences.

Often, for example, when we get angry with our partner, we are really venting buried anger at a parent or someone else from our earlier life. What feels like a slight or a deep wound from our present partner may in fact be pretty minor in reality. However, our feelings are intense because deep down in our unconscious there is a memory of some similar event in childhood.

I grew up with an abusive stepfather, abusive of both my mother and the children, and the message was clear that children were to “be seen and not heard.” Therefore, I learned to bury my anger at the abuse and wrongs done to my mother and sister and even strangers, as well as myself. In my first marriage I continued the pattern of stuffing all the anger inside, both past and present. By the time my present wife, Carol ,and I met, I had worked through a lot of issues in my own therapy and journey, and was feeling more comfortable about expressing anger.

In those early days I would sometimes get furious with Carol over the silliest little things. I soon realized that there were two reasons. First, it was safe to get angry with her. In my household growing up when someone got angry, someone else was either hurt or abandoned. I discovered that if I got angry with Carol, no one would be hurt or abandoned. Second, I had suppressed the anger for years, and I had a lot to be angry about. I had to discover the source of my anger and learn to express it appropriately.

When we get angry, that anger is 90% about our “stuff” and only 10% about our partner. Why is it that a set of circumstances, for example an unkempt house, makes one person furious and has no emotional impact on another? The cause of our “charge” is ours, not our partners—90% about us.

We need to own our anger and express our feelings. Use “I” messages. For example, rather than saying “You forgot to fill the gas tank again and now we are out of gas. What an idiot you are,” say “I am really angry that you did not fill the gas tank when you were driving the car. It really irritates me to have to run out of gas.”

When you are angry, it is yours. Tell the person you are angry with how you feel without judging him or her or their behavior. There are safe, appropriate ways to ask for behavior change. We teach clients to do so without demeaning the other person, raising their defenses, or reducing the probability that they will hear what we are saying.

Manage anger carefully and it will enrich your relationship. Expressing anger unconsciously can destroy your relationship.

THE INTENTIONAL DIALOGUE PROCESS AT A GLANCE
(A basic skill used in Imago Relationship Coaching)

  1. MIRROR
    1. What I hear you saying is…
    2. Did I get you?
    3. Is there more about that?
  2. SUMMARIZE ALL YOU HAVE HEARD
    1. Did I get you?
    2. Continue to mirror until you get your partner
  3. VALIDATE (Your understanding of partner’s perspective)
    1. You make sense to me because… or
    2. I can see where…because
  4. EMPATHIZE
    1. I can imagine that you must feel…
    2. Did I get your feelings right?
    3. Are there any feelings I missed

WOW = WORDS OF WISDOM

“Anybody can become angry, that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power.  That is not easy.”

~Aristotle

HOW TO ELIMINATE THE #1 DESTROYER OF RELATIONSHIPS

NEW book by Paul and Layne Cutright! “How To Get Over It- For Good.” Learn the Secret to Eliminating Forever the #1 Destroyer of Your Most Important Relationships.

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In this practical step-by-step program, Paul and Layne show you exactly how you can uncover the real cause of any problem or upset, stop the pain and halt the slide toward more upset and disappointment, every single time.

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This book will reveal to you the newest and most powerful conflict resolution tool ever created - and the last you will ever need.

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You will not find this knowledge or these tools any place else.
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FOR MORE INFORMATION

Visit our web site at http://www.partnersinlife.org/members/newsletter/ for past issues of this newsletter, as well as useful articles for couples including:

IMPORTANT PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG INFORMATION

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by Relationship
Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship coaching organization
dedicated to helping singles 'find the love of your life AND the life that
you love'; to helping new couples ‘make a wise choice in a life partner’;
and to helping any couple ‘fine tune and keep their relationship
healthy and fulfilling.’ For more information about us, please visit our
web site at http://wwww.partnersinlife.org

===============

Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at:
http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach/indexc.htm

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Invest in your future with our 5-week PARTNERS IN LIFE:
A Relationship Success Program for pre-committed couples.
This program is affordable, fun, positive, enlightening, and
the best relationship insurance you can get!

FOR INFORMATION visit http://www.partnersinlife.org.

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.partnersInlife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.

You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.

===============

Want support to have a great relationship? Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at: http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach

===============

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with couples
and singles? If you want to know more about adding Relationship
Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

===============

Please share this newsletter with your single and couple friends,
family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their success, too!

===============

Questions or comments about this newsletter?
Contact Linda Marshall, Editor
Director of Couples Programs, Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

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The Relationship Coaching Institute is a worldwide relationship
Coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love' and helping couples
co-create fulfilling life partnerships. For more information about
us, please visit our web site at
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org