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Member News - February, 2005

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This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

In this issue:

  1. Ask Our Coaches
  2. What Happened To My Valentine?
  3. Suggestions For Keeping Your Love Alive
  4. Wow = Words Of Wisdom
  5. The Miracle Of Connection Teleclass Series
  6. About Partners In Life

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Please submit your questions here and we will forward them to our coaches all over the world, and publish 3-5 answers per issue.

"Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm not such a romantic guy, but I've been dating a woman who really turns me on. I think she's the one for me. I want to make a great impression for Valentine's Day. I want to do something really different and special for her. I want it to be the best Valentine's Day she's ever had. I want her friends to say, "Wow!" when she tells them about it. I already know she isn't impressed with expensive gifts. What suggestions can you give me".
-- Romantic Wannabe

The Coaches Respond:

Dear Romantic Wannabe,

It sounds like you are bursting with excitement that you may have found "the one" for you. And you have lots of desires right now... to make a great impression, to do something really different and special for her, and to make it her best Valentine's Day ever. It is clear that you are paying attention to her -- since you know that giving her expensive gifts will not have much meaning for her. So, what have you noticed her really appreciating? What are her interests? What touches her? Rather than trying to "come up with" a great idea, you could take one of these four more direct approaches.

First, if you prefer surprising her -- and you want her to know that you are loving getting to know her -- you could make it your intention to be a detective between now and early February. Search for what intrigues her from the mundane to the sacred. Listen to her. Engage her in lots of conversations that will provoke her to tell you about what she loves without her knowing that you're capturing her desires and planning to surprise her with gifts related to her desires.

Second, if you want 100% assurance that you will please her - and you're willing to let go of surprising her -- you could simply tell her that you want to give her the best Valentine's Day of her life and ask HER to tell YOU exactly what her "Best Valentine's Day" fantasy is.

Third, if you want to combine these, you could ask her to tell you three fantasies and then surprise her with the one of your choice.

Fourth, how about imagining YOUR "Best Valentine's Day" fantasy. What would it look like if you brought your most romantic self to her? Maybe what she wants more than anything is to have a chance to receive the best of you.

Whatever you choose to do, have a wonderful celebration!

Salila Shen
Life Coach
Master Relationship Coach
302-475-0548 salilashen@earthlink.net

Dear Romantic Wannabe,

If you really want to impress your new love in an on-going way that will keep the romance alive for all of your years together, learn the Platinum Rule: Do Unto Others As THEY Want To Be Done Unto. It is very different than the Golden Rule: "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You". As you can see, the difference is that in the Platinum Rule you are granting something that THEY want. The Golden Rule, while well intended, assumes you know what the other person wants based on what you would want.

The truth is that every person has their own unique "love language," and so your new love may have a very different "love language" than yours. You have already found that expensive gifts is not a part of her "love language." Good for you for noticing!

A really great book that explains the different ways we all like to give and receive love is "The Five Love Languages - How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. The five languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. This book itself would make a nice gift and may open up a conversation between the two of you about what each of you needs.

Also, how about suggesting that the two of you make "Valentine's Lists" - and write down all those things that would bring each of you joy. Make the list as extensive as possible, then exchange lists and it's up to you to pick out what you want to do/give this year. The lists can be used for Birthdays, Christmas and other special occasions too!

Another way to keep Valentine's Day going all year long is by presenting your new love with twelve personalized coupons and tell her that she can redeem one a month. These coupons can include a get away weekend, a romantic dinner for two, a foot massage by you, and a picnic for two at a secluded spot in the park, just to name a few. Romance, you will learn, is measured by the thoughtfulness, love and care that goes into the gift or activity.

Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
Director of Couple's Programs
Linda@greatrelationships.org (937)684-2245

 

Dear Romantic Wannabe,

Article #2 in our newsletter will give you a way to prevent what often occurs in marriages so that you can keep Valentine's Day alive and well for you and your new love for all your years.

Article #3 is a process you can use with your new love that incorporates many of the suggestions made by Salila and Linda.

What Happened To My Valentine?

by Pamela Simmons, RCI Relationship Coach

Do you feel alone even at home with your spouse and family? Do you wonder what happened to the love you once had for each other? Do you question who you are in this relationship and if you are valued? Do you go to sleep each night and wake up each morning with someone you are not sure you really want to be with? Vanished love and missed genuine connection agonize many marriages. How do couples evolve to this state and how it can be repaired?

The way women see themselves and their roles has radically changed over the last few decades. Women have been empowered by economic, cultural, and psychological resources that have moved them to insist on emotional intimacy in their marriages. By no fault of their own, many men seem to come up short and unprepared for the change. Raised to be strong and competitive performers, hard, logical, independent, and stoic; they often find themselves emotionally distant, proud, numb to their own feelings, and fearful of exposure. "These are not pathological aberrations; they're the defining characteristics of manhood in our culture.The very values and traits instilled in us as boys-whether we wanted them or not-ensure that we become lousy husbands," says Dr. Terry Real in his book "I Don't Want to Talk About It."

Most men are not so unhappy about their marriages as they are dissatisfied that their wives are so unhappy with them. The tendency is to withdraw or attack when confronted by women who waver between silence, eruption, care taking, and manipulation. Fights about discipline, money, and lost couple time can take over the mood in the home before we know it. The real issue of connection becomes disguised in disagreement over routines. The husband may struggle over feeling undermined during discipline, become angry and lash out in inappropriate ways and finally withdraw completely. It is at this point that outside interests and people replace the family in importance - an escape from the pain and shame of feeling helpless and displaced. Blaming, criticism, and being right take the place of open communication and mutual understanding for both husband and wife.

Many choose to give up rather than face the part they play. Many have explained what they needed to deaf ears for years, only to walk away and seek connection elsewhere. Learning steps to a new way of being in relationship is like learning a new language. The practice of intimacy requires conscious effort to stop typical responses of anger and hostility. Thick walls of silence and distance complicate it even more. The challenges of marriage bring us growth, wisdom, and compassion when we choose to look within for our contributions to the couple dance. Valentines don't disappear when we stay engaged in respectful and passionate dialogue revealing our values, strengths, and spiritual centers.

Pamela Simmons, RCI Relationship Coach
214-674-8759
pamelasimmons@comcast.net
www.pamelasimmonscounseling.com

Suggestions For Keeping Your Love Alive

Adapted from Caring Behaviors Exercise in "Getting the Love You Want"
by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I. Giving the Gift of Loving and Caring Behaviors

  1. Make a list, completing the following sentences in as many ways as possible:
    1. I feel loved and cared about when you...
    2. I used to feel loved and cared about when you...
    3. I have never asked and have always wanted you to...
  2. Rate each item from 1 (very important) to 5 (not very)
  3. Make a date to sit down together to share your lists and discover how each of you prefers to be cared about and loved. Learn about each other's love language.
  4. Decide which partner will go first.
  5. Partner #1 shares their list one item at a time.
    Partner #2 repeats back to make sure they heard each item correctly.
  6. Now Partner #2 shares their list in the same way.
    Partner #1 repeats back in the same way.
  7. Make a copy of your written lists & give your partner a copy of your list.
  8. Look at your partner's #1 (very important) items.
    Make a note of whether they are:
    ~Words of Affirmation
    ~Quality Time
    ~Receiving Gifts
    ~Acts of Service or
    ~Physical Touch
    You are learning about your partner's love language. When you love them in their language, they feel loved. When you love them in your language, they will probably not experience themselves being loved, even though you are intending to send love.
  9. Use a highlighter to identify all the items on your partner's list that you feel comfortable doing right now. Start tomorrow to do two caring behaviors from your partner's list each day for two months. Start with the ones that are easiest for you. Gradually add the ones that are harder for you. As you grow more confident, challenge yourself to stretch into giving the ones that are not highlighted.
  10. Give the caring behaviors as a gift. Give them even if your partner is not giving as many as you are. Do not keep score.
  11. Receive the caring behaviors with gratitude. Whenever you receive a gift of caring, acknowledge it with appreciation. Do not consider these gifts to be demands or obligations.
  12. Continue to add items to your list as they occur to you. At the end of two months, do this exercise again with the added items. Continue doing this exercise with each other every two months.

II. Putting the Zing into your Loving and Caring

The following suggestions are what will trick your neural system and keep your love spiking with exhiliration.

  1. Make a list of ways to surprise your partner. Draw on your memory of things that have pleased them in the past or from hints and comments you have heard them make. Keep the list hidden.
  2. Become a detective. Listen for your partner's indirect hints. You will hear them as your partner expresses preferences, interests, secret wishes, and dreams in day-to-day conversations. Add these to your list.
  3. Tap into your creativity and have fun as you plan how you will surprise your partner with an item from your list. You will be surprised at the rush of loving feelings you will experience as you plan.
  4. Each month at an unexpected and random time, surprise your partner. Surprise them no more than one time a month. The surprises can be very simple (a bouquet of wildflowers you picked) to an elaborate vacation. They need to speak to your partner's heart.
  5. Continue to suprise your partner monthly. Do not keep score of how your partner surprises you.
  6. Acknowledge each surprise you receive with gratitude. Keep a record of the gift and your acknowledgement. Do not keep score.
  7. Keep a calendar of the surprises you give so you have a record and can choose random times.

WOW = WORDS OF WISDOM

"Life is simply too short NOT to be romantic."
~Gregory Godek

And for all romantic wannabe's, Gregory Godek's bestseller "1001 Ways to be Romantic" along with many other books he has written on the subject are filled with inexpensive and creative romantic ideas.

THE MIRACLE OF CONNECTION TELECLASS SERIES

The gifted Hedy Schleifer will conduct a free series of three teleclasses to help promote her next "Adventures in Intimacy" workshop for couples sponsored by RCI April 2005 in Northern California.

Teleclass #1: Growing Our Passion

Recorded January 12, 2005

Hedy will cover the initial "Romance" stage of relationship and how to keep the initial excitement alive over time.

Teleclass #2: Embracing Our Differences

Friday, February 11, 2005 10:00am pacific/1:00pm eastern

Hedy will cover the "Power Struggle" stage of relationship and how to use our differences to deepen intimacy and connection.

Teleclass #3: Achieving Fulfillment

Thursday, March 24, 2005 10:00am pacific/1:00pm eastern

Hedy will cover the "Conscious Relationship" stage; what it looks like and how to get there.

Register Here (it's free!)

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Visit our web site at http://www.PartnersInLife.org for:

~FREE Five-Week e-Program for Couples

~Communication Map On-Line Communication Training

~Relationship Knowledge Bank

~And much more!

IMPORTANT PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG INFORMATION

PartnersinLife.org, is a resource for couples offered by
Relationship Coaching Institute, a worldwide relationship
coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love'; to helping new couples
'make a wise choice in a life partner'; and to helping any couple
'fine tune and keep their relationship healthy and fulfilling.'
For more information about us, please visit our web site at
http://wwww.partnersinlife.org

===============

Want to make sure you are making a wise choice in a life partner?
Want to make sure your relationship stays healthy?
What to give your relationship a fine-tuning?
Get a Relationship Coach!
Check out our coaches at:
http://www.partnersinlife.org/coach/

===============

NEW RELATIONSHIP? Congratulations in moving forward in your
life partner quest! WHAT NOW?

Join PARTNERSINLIFE.ORG at http://www.partnersInlife.org
for cutting-edge information and resources for couples.

You will be glad you did!
***Please share this with new couples that you care about.

===============

Are you single and tired of being alone? Get a Relationship
Coach!

Check out our coaches at: http://www.consciousdating.org/coach

===============

Are you a coach or other helping professional who works with
couples and singles? If you want to know more about adding
Relationship

Coaching tools to your professional toolbox, visit
http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

===============

Please share this newsletter with your single and couple friends,
family, and co-workers, and you can be a partner in their
success, too!

===============

Questions or comments about this newsletter?
Contact Linda Marshall, Editor
Director of Couples Programs, Relationship Coaching Institute
Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org

To subscribe to this newsletter visit
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/forms/subscribe.htm

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and authorship is included.

The Relationship Coaching Institute is a worldwide relationship
Coaching organization dedicated to helping singles 'find the love
of your life AND the life that you love' and helping couples
co-create fulfilling life partnerships. For more information
about us, please visit our web site at
http://www.RelationshipCoachingNetwork.org