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Facts About Singles

by David Steele

We have a powerful need and desire for coupling that drives us into and out of relationships. In recent times we seem to have developed a "need" to be happy and decreasing tolerance for delayed gratification. When we are single, we want to be in a relationship. When we are in an unhappy relationship most of us attempt to improve it and eventually leave if it doesn't get better.

A generation or two ago, men and women dated, married, had families, and rarely divorced. Everyone seemed to know the rules and followed them. "Fulfillment" was not a priority and unhappiness was not cause for divorce. Then our society changed, the rules changed, life and relationships became much more complex. We want to be happy, but we don't know how. We are traveling to a vague destination without a map or compass, and are not aware of what is causing us to be off track.

Here are some facts for your review:

• There are more single people today than ever in history- 82 million in the U.S., 40% of the adult population (37.5 million/28% in 1970)
• Over 25% of households are single occupant households (17% in 1970)
• 53% of households are married couples (70% in 1970)
• The marriage rate is decreasing, and is at its lowest in 30 years
• The divorce rate has remained stable since 1988
• While the exact divorce rate is a matter of debate, experts agree that somewhere between 40 and 60% of all marriages will end in divorce, and that for every marriage there is about one divorce
• Co-habitation is increasing
• The percentage of young adults who say that having a good marriage is extremely important to them is increasing (94% in one study)
• The majority of first-born children are now conceived by, or born to, unmarried parents
• Half of all children will spend some time in a single parent family
• 43% of first marriages end within 15 years
• 39% of remarriages end within 10 years
• More than 85% of all adults marry at least once

A summary of a 1999 study by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead of the National Marriage Project of Rutgers University on "The State Of Our Unions: The Social Health Of Marriage in America" states:

"Key social indicators suggest a substantial weakening of the institution of marriage. Americans have become less likely to marry. When they do marry their marriages are less happy. And married couples face a high likelihood of divorce. Over the past four decades, marriage has declined as the first living together experience for couples and as a status of parenthood. Unmarried cohabitation and unwed births have grown enormously, and so has the percentage of children who grow up in fragile families."

Sources:
U.S. Census Bureau www.census.gov
SmartMarriages www.smartmarriages.com
National Marriage Project http://marriage.rutgers.edu/state.html
American Association For Single People www.unmarriedamerica.com

Why do singles value finding a committed relationship so highly?

Consider this:

BENEFITS OF COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS
by David Steele

We have a powerful need and desire for coupling that drives us into and out of relationships. The desire for partnership is pervasive and universal, reaching back to the origin of our species, spanning almost every culture and civilization.

85% of us marry at least once. In a recent survey, 94% of young adults stated that finding a "soul mate" was one of their highest goals. The vast majority of us want partnership and are driven into and out of relationships seeking- what? Love? Happiness? Security? Healing? All of the above?

Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs might give us a clue to what we want in relationships. Once our physical needs are met (food, shelter, sex) we pursue our higher order needs, such as emotional needs for love and pleasure, and our spiritual needs such as meaning and purpose. As a society we have secured our physical needs, and are evolving to prioritize our emotional and spiritual needs.

In spite of the high failure rate of marriage and the availability of other options, why are we still driven to pair up in monogamous, committed relationships? There are many benefits to a committed relationship beyond survival of the species:

1. REGULAR, SAFE, GOOD SEX: Committed, monogamous partners have more, and better sex than singles and non-committed partners.
2. COMPANIONSHIP: We are social beings and are comforted by closeness. Married people are healthier, happier, and live longer than singles.
3. INTIMACY: Emotional closeness, love, trust, mutual support, builds and improves over time in a committed relationship, and is much more difficult to achieve in quality and quantity outside of a committed relationship.
4. FAMILY: Both children and adults thrive in an environment of stable, long-term, multi-generational relationships.
5. ECONOMICS: Committed couples are financially more successful than singles and non-committed partners.
6. COMMUNITY: Extended family, neighbors, churches, and other forms of networks of supportive relationships thrive on the stability of committed relationships.
7. MENTAL/EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL HEALTH: Married adults live longer and have fewer mental/emotional problems.

   The above is an excerpt from Chapter Two of "Conscious Dating." For more info visit www.ConsciousDating.com