Speaker Series

August 1, 2003

"Loving Communication for Relationship Success": With: Marv Cohen, MBA, MA, MFTI

Have you had difficulty with establishing and maintaining strong, intimate relationships?
Do you avoid confrontation when you have an issue due to fear of repercussions?
Do you experience people responding to you with defensiveness, emotional reactivity, or withdrawal, or vice versa?
Would you like to learn a communication technique that will pave the way for smooth and successful relationships in both your personal and professional life?

Often, issues are swept under the rug to avoid confrontation, but later, as frustration and resentment build, result in a fracture of the relationship. Other times, people are quick to take issue with the other, but the result is defensiveness and reactive emotion.

The Communication Map© is a tool originally developed by David Steele, and later modified by Marv Cohen, which facilitates a healthy, clear, and effective method for fruitful confrontation when one party has an issue with another. This evening’s presentation will focus on how a loving attitude can go a long way to encouraging empathy and understanding, which results in a win-win situation.

Don’t miss this important program. You will learn a valuable skill!

About the Presenter:
Marv Cohen, MBA, MA, MFTI is President and Cofounder of Relationship Coaching Institute Silicon Valley (formerly LifePartnerQuest). He is a Relationship, Life, and Executive Coach, Mentor Coach, Teacher, Counselor, and a Marriage Family Therapist Intern #IMF 37636. Formerly an executive in the high tech medical electronics field, his passion for his work and life comes from his recent discovery of his vision and life purpose.

Review of this program:

"Loving Communication for Relationship Success" with Marv Cohen, MBA, MA, MFTI, and Narrye Caldwell, L.Ac.

Narrye and Marv co-presented an evening which demonstrated how to communicate difficult issues well, and poorly, and documented the steps necessary to do it well. We have included the handout (below) describing most of the content of the evening.

Not covered , and important, is that differences in communication style may also cause miscommunication, resulting in dissonance, and a possible fracture. Examples include the extrovert vs. the introvert, and the maximizer vs. the minimizer. Another possible variable is cultural differences. The two people may be from the same country, same ethnicity, and same religion, but their family culture may differ, hence the meaning of things differ.

Thanks to Narrye for her wonderful insights and helping make last nights programs (especially the role plays) special. Thanks also to Bob and Carol for your hard support, and to Sherie and Soraya for your behind the scenes support.

You may contact Marv for Individual or Couples Coaching, Coaching Teams or Individual, Couples, or Family Therapy at 408 261 3332 ext. 2 or marv@rcisv.org . Narrye is available for Shamanic Counseling, Relationship, Life, and Wellness Coaching, or Chinese Astrological Readings at 408 489 8268 or Narrye@kepnet.com.

Steps to Excellent Communication

Relationship experts agree that a frequent reason for relationship fractures and dissolution is what is not said. The reason we withhold is our fear that confrontation will be construed as judgment, which will cause interpretation, defensiveness, and reactive emotion. The receiver of our issue might think that we are attacking, wrong, or misguided. Withholding results in not getting our needs met, and not taking care of our boundaries. Resentment builds, undermining a healthy relationship.

The following communication guide is intended to help guide you to confidently confront your partner (co-worker, friend, or other) in a loving, kind manner, resulting in a healthy, authentic relationship, free of harbored resentments. Loving-kindness is essential!

Here are the steps, in no particular order (this is a guide, and intended to be supplemented with coaching):

The person who has the issue (sender) respectfully asks for an appointment
Receiver carefully considers their boundaries, and cares for self, else may cause defensiveness and emotional reactivity!
The sender states the positive intent, e.g. maintain good relationship, take care of boundaries
The receiver listens intently, supportively, and acknowledges, thanks, and validates sender, even if receiver holds a different opinion (own projections)
Sender uses I statements, and carefully owns all that is said, acknowledging and accepting the possibility that the receiver will disagree
Receiver is objective, not assuming or personalizing anything
Both use reflective listening, frequently clarify understanding, use short sound bites, probe with: Did I get that right? and Is there more?
Avoid “awfulizing”, generalizing, and using always, never, should, but, or no.
Allow for difference of opinion without attachment. No one is wrong, and all opinions are valid. Accept disagreement. Agree to disagree if necessary.
Both stay with one issue at a time. Bringing in other issues is confusing.
Both practice compassion (romantic partners hold hands)
Both be sensitive and aware of underlying issues (peel the onion)
Sender makes a specific request (without attachment to the outcome)
Receiver reflects, clarifies, negotiates, counters with alternative proposal, or agrees to comply with request
Process continues until issue is resolved
Be direct, clear, and authentic. Don’t expect anyone to be a mind reader!

Relationship Coaching Institute Silicon Valley
Marvin Cohen, MBA, MA, MFTI
President and Cofounder
4020 Moorpark Ave. Suite 204
San Jose, CA 95117
or phone (408) 261-3332www.rcisv.org