Speaker Series
November 21, 2003
- “Healing Shame: A Key to Authentic Love”
- With: John Amodeo, Ph.D.
Shame is that gnawing sense that something is wrong with us or that we’re defective in some way. It is a shrinking of the soul -- a silent shudder in our heart. Shame is a major obstacle to creating loving relationships and living a happy, fulfilling life.
We’ll explore the social and psychology origins of shame and how we can create a caring, loving place within ourselves to recognize, hold and heal the shame that sabotages our longing to love and be loved. By knowing what activates our shame, we can replace it with a gentle, caring presence toward ourselves. And we can learn to take wise risks in sharing our authentic heart and relate to others in non-shaming ways that invite love and intimacy to grow.
About the Presenter:
John Amodeo, Ph.D., MFT (#MFC14453), is author of the acclaimed book The Authentic Heart: An Eightfold Path to Midlife Love (John Wiley & Sons, 2001).
- John Bradshaw, author of the best-selling book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, refers to The Authentic Heart as
- "A groundbreaking, insightful, warmly written book that I highly recommend to anyone wanting more loving, joyful relationships."
Dr Amodeo is also the author of Love & Betrayal, and is coauthor of Being Intimate. He has a private psychotherapy practice in the Sunset District of San Francisco, as well as Santa Rafael and Sonoma County. He is a faculty member of The Institute of Imaginal Studies, and has been an instructor in extended education at Sonoma State University. He was a writer and contributing editor for Yoga Journal for ten years and has been featured on programs that include CNN, NBC, Donahue, and NPR stations. He can be contacted at: (707) 829-8948, or by visiting www.johnamodeo.com or emailing johnamodeo@aol.com
Review of this program:
The key to loving and intimate relationships is our capacity to know and show our authentic selves. Relationship problems are not primarily communication problems; they are self-awareness problems. Once we know how we really feel and what we really need and want, then we have something meaningful to communicate to another person, thereby allowing true intimacy to develop.
Shame dampens our authentic self. As described in my book, The Authentic Heart: "Shame is that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that bespeaks a sense of feeling defective. It's the pained recognition that you're being perceived in a degraded, contemptuous way by another person. It's a feeling of not being likable and lovable, not being wanted on the team."
When we don't feel good about ourselves, we hesitate to show our authentic self. Even worse, we may not allow ourselves to notice when we feel afraid, sad, lonely, or angry. We keep our feelings hidden to protect ourselves from potential ridicule or rejection.
Trusting relationships are difficult to create when we're internalized the message that we're not precious and lovable. When shame leads us to believe that people don't want to know our true self, we remain hidden.
As explained in The Authentic Heart, "The fear of criticism, humiliation, and isolation drives you to concoct an acceptable self. However, the more you invest in an artificial self, the more you abandon your genuine heart, which you must inhabit to experience mature love and intimacy. The more you're driven by shame, fear, and pain to polish and parade an acceptable self, the more you deny a heart that longs to be contacted and loved."
The first step toward healing shame is to recognize it and allow it to be. Then we must be gentle with ourselves when shame arises. We can talk gently to ourselves, realizing that shame is part of the human condition. We can practice putting a gentle, caring arm around ourselves when we notice shame. This continuing act of self-compassion gradually allows shame to heal, which enables our authentic heart to shine more and more in its pristine beauty and radiance.