Speaker Series
October 29, 2004
- “SEXUAL COMMUNICATION: Talking about the Hard Stuff”
- With: Susan Scott Hennings, M.A.,LMFT
and
Jerry L. Talley, Ph.D., LMFT
It is an amazing paradox! Although sex is one of the most fascinating subjects known to humankind, it is often one of the most difficult to talk about. Whatever the sexual situation, talking about sex generally raises anxiety. Rarely is it a comfortable, natural topic. Patricia Love says, "most couples don't talk ABOUT sex, they talk AROUND sex. They communicate through gestures, veiled comments, euphemisms, winks, sighs, gibes, jokes, put-downs and code words. At times the way they communicate is more harmful to the relationship than not talking at all!"
Susan and Jerry's presentation will focus on the importance of effective sexual communication, and on how conversations about sex can go more smoothly. They will show how sexual communication requires both clear verbal expression as well as subtle and elusive nonverbal language. They will illustrate the power of combining both modalities to handle one of the more troublesome areas of sex: initiation. Even long-term couples report that making the transition from the mundane to the sensual/sexual can be challenging. Our presenters will show how the simple process of "flirting" reveals the basic steps for initiating or connecting well, whether it be initiating a sexual encounter, an intimate conversation, or a new phase in a relationship.
The specific hints and guidelines in Susan and Jerry's presentation will help individuals and couples communicate more effectively and comfortably about sex. This interactive evening will blend presentation and discussion with dramatic vignettes. Join us for a lively, entertaining, and informative event!
About the presenters:
Susan Scott Hennings, M.A.,LMFT
Susan is a licensed Marriage, Family Therapist with a private practice in San Jose. Since 1992, she has helped clients enhance communication and relationship skills in a collaborative and supportive environment. Susan specializes in working with clients who have sexual concerns. A longtime sex educator and popular presenter, Susan leads workshops on intimacy and sexuality. She is also on the faculty at Santa Clara University where she teaches Human Sexuality to Counseling Psychology graduate students.
Susan particularly enjoys the energy and complexity of working with couples. Since 1994, she has trained with Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, and is on staff at THE COUPLES INSTITUTE in Menlo Park. In addition to sexual issues, Susan's special interests include clients recovering from an affair, and those navigating the challenges of a divorce or becoming a blended family.
Jerry L. Talley, Ph.D., LMFT
Jerry is a veteran of three careers. He was on the faculty of Stanford University for 15 years, teaching courses on work, love and sex. His second career was 10 years as a marriage and family therapist. Then in 1984, he started organizational consulting, specializing in assessment, change planning, and work process design. He has had over 250 client engagements with companies around the world, but mostly high tech firms in Silicon Valley.
Jerry continues to lecture at Stanford on love, flirting, sex and intimacy. He is the author of a new website at www.WellTemperedHeart.com. It is a compilation of his work over the years on how to sustain friendship and emotional intimacy. It is a free site for couples who might want some new thoughts for reflecting on their experience. His current professional practice is focused on improved problem solving for executives, managers ... and even therapists. His work in this area is summarized at www.ProblemSolving2.com.
Review of this program:
Back by popular demand, Susan Hennings and Jerry Talley guided us through a lively evening of talking about sex. Their engaging, entertaining and informative presentation illuminated some of the many times and places where sex is difficult to talk about. They explored with us the reasons why so many of us struggle to feel comfortable when sex is the topic. Jerry and Susan used dramatic vignettes and roleplays to highlight their presentation. In doing so, they modeled not only effective communication and the art of connecting/beginning well, but they demonstrated useful guidelines for helping our future conversations about sex go more smoothly.
One of the main barriers to free expression about sex is the influence of our original families and the spoken and especially unspoken messages we received/absorbed growing up. Facts tell us that few of us grew up in families where we learned to say words like "penis" and "vagina" with quite the same ease and comfort as we could say Cinderella or Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Many of us grew up in families where we were not encouraged or invited to ask questions or talk openly about sex. Conversations about sex were often non-existent or severely limited. There may have been one or two "big talks," in addition to "the book" or the infamous movies between 4th and 7th grade. If we did risk asking a question about sex, we might have been greeted with a tone of embarrassment, discomfort, awkwardness or shame, and gotten the message that sex was definitely NOT a comfortable topic of conversation! Perhaps we began to think it was even off limits or taboo. No wonder without effective models for talking openly and comfortably about sex, many of us reached adulthood to find it an arena in which we still stumble.
Another layer of distortion and misinformation that makes sexual communication difficult is the existence of abundant myths that thrive in our culture. There are few areas in our lives where misinformation and misconception overwhelm fact as much as with sex. The impact of these myths is not harmless. They can elicit at best unrealistic and at worst dangerous misconceptions of what people do sexually. The resulting false expectations can badly effect our self-esteem, relationships, and even physical health. Common myths include:
- Sex should be natural and spontaneous ... without planning or talking. We should intuitively know what our partner likes, and our partner should mind read our desires
- Sex equals intercourse, and the goal of sex is orgasm
- Sex is a performance; pleasing my partner is what counts
- Sex requires an erection; sex is centered around a hard penis and what's done with it
- All touching is sexual and will / should lead to sex
- A real man is always interested in and ready for sex
- A real man is so good at sex he'll make the Earth move for his partner--or at least knock her socks off!
- Women should reach orgasm through intercourse alone
- Partners should climax together in one mind-bending orgasm
- A (near) perfect body is a prerequisite for good sex
- Talking about sex "destroys the magic"
- If I tell my partner what I really want, they will think I'm abnormal, or that I haven't been satisfied so far
- If you have a partner, you shouldn't need or want to masturbate
- Sex implies love and commitment
Susan and Jerry reminded us that good sex is an outgrowth of good communication. The more easily you can talk about sex---the positives as well as any stumbling places--the higher likelihood of a positive outcome and more satisfying sex life. Unfortunately, many couples would rather have sex than talk about it! Good sexual communication is built upon a foundation of good communication in general and keeps in mind some specific suggestions. These include:
- A sense of safety (Without safety, there's no chance your partner will open up and risk self-disclosure!)
- A welcoming tone and good timing; no "sneak attacks"
- Acceptance and encouragement rather than shame, blame and criticism
- Be direct and specific rather than vague and global
- Recap facts and feelings
- Use I vs. You messages (Get rid of "you always/you never!")
- Check out meanings rather than make assumptions
- Be curious, not furious
- Bring up one topic at a time
- Acknowledge your discomfort (Sometimes talking about sex has to start with talking about your anxiety or distress. After doing so, you can communicate your desire and willingness to communicate!)
In closure, Susan reminded us of the real definition of "oral sex." Oral sex is when you open up your mouth.......and talk about it!
| Contact Info: |
|---|
|