Speaker Series

December 10, 2004

“Successful Communication in Love and Life”: With: Marv Cohen, MBA, MA, MFTI, and Narrye Caldwell, L.Ac.

Have you had difficulty with establishing and maintaining strong, intimate relationships?
Do you avoid confrontation when you have an issue due to fear of repercussions?
Do you experience people responding to you with defensiveness, emotional reactivity, or withdrawal, or vice versa?
Would you like to learn a communication technique that will pave the way for smooth and successful relationships in both your personal and professional life?

Often, issues are swept under the rug to avoid confrontation, but later, as frustration and resentment build, result in a fracture of the relationship. Other times, people are quick to take issue with the other, but the result is defensiveness and reactive emotion.

The Communication Map(c) is a tool originally developed by David Steele, and later modified by Marv Cohen, which facilitates a healthy, clear, and effective method for fruitful confrontation when one party has an issue with another. This evening's presentation will focus on how a loving attitude can go a long way to encouraging empathy and understanding, which results in a win-win situation.

Don't miss this important program. You will learn a valuable skill!

Marv Cohen, MBA, MA, MFTI is President and Cofounder of Relationship Coaching Institute Silicon Valley (formerly LifePartnerQuest). He is a Relationship, Life, and Executive Coach, Mentor Coach, Teacher, Counselor, and a Marriage Family Therapist Intern #IMF 37636. Formerly an executive in the high tech medical electronics field, his passion for his work and life comes from his recent discovery of his vision and life purpose. He can be reached at 408-261-3332

Review of this program:

Narrye and Marv co-presented an evening which demonstrated how to communicate difficult issues well, and poorly, and documented the steps necessary to do it well. We have included the handout (below) describing most of the content of the evening.

Not covered , and important, is that differences in communication style may also cause miscommunication, resulting in dissonance, and a possible fracture. Examples include the extrovert vs. the introvert, and the maximizer vs. the minimizer. Another possible variable is cultural differences. The two people may be from the same country, same ethnicity, and same religion, but their family culture may differ, hence the meaning of things differ.

Thanks to Narrye for her wonderful insights and helping make last nights programs (especially the role plays) special. Thanks also to Carol and Soraya for your support.

You may contact Marv for Individual or Couples Coaching, Coaching Teams, Therapy Group, or Individual, Couples, or Family Therapy at 408 261 3332 ext. 2 or .

Narrye has openings in her Tuesday night Women's Group, and is available for Chinese Medicine (Acupuncture and Herbal Medicine), Shamanic Counseling, Relationship, Life, and Wellness Coaching, and Western or Chinese Astrological Readings at 408 489 8268 or .

Steps to Excellent Communication

Relationship experts agree that a frequent reason for relationship fractures and dissolution is what is not said. The reason we withhold is our fear that confrontation will be construed as judgment, which will cause interpretation, defensiveness, and reactive emotion. The receiver of our issue might think that we are attacking, wrong, or misguided. Withholding results in not getting our needs met, and not taking care of our boundaries. Resentment builds, undermining a healthy relationship.

The following communication guide is intended to help guide you to confidently confront your partner (co-worker, friend, or other) in a loving, kind manner, resulting in a healthy, authentic relationship, free of harbored resentments. Loving-kindness is essential! Here are the steps (this is a guide, and intended to be supplemented with coaching):

SENDER (experiences an issue)	RECEIVER (listener)
ASKS FOR APPOINTMENT (also takes care of of of boundaries, owns projections)	CAREFULLY CONSIDERS BOUNDARIES
STATES POSITIVE INTENT	LISTENS, REFLECTS, VALIDATES, without defensiveness or reactive emotion
MAKES A SPECIFIC REQUEST (with no attachment to the outcome)	AGREES, NEGOTIATES, OR AGREES TO DISAGREE

The following are important guidelines (in no particular order) to follow during the above process:

Sender uses I statements, and carefully owns all that is said, acknowledging and accepting the possibility that the receiver will disagree.
Receiver and sender are objective, not assuming or personalizing anything.
Both use reflective listening, frequently clarify understanding, use short sound bites, probe with: Did I get that right? and Is there more?
Avoid “awfulizing”, generalizing, and using always, never, should, but, or no.
Allow for difference of opinion without attachment. No one is wrong, and all opinions are valid. Accept disagreement. Agree to disagree if necessary.
Both stay with one issue at a time. Bringing in other issues is confusing.
Both practice compassion (romantic partners hold hands)
Both be sensitive and aware of underlying emotional issues (peel the onion)
Be direct, clear, and authentic. Don’t expect anyone to be a mind reader!
Practice in the now, moment to moment, awareness and communication of feelings. I notice ….. (e.g. I feel criticized), and I wonder …. (e.g. what you meant)